Filed under: children, grief, living, seanna, soul food cafe, worthwriting | Tags: acceptance, affection, depression, gratitude, humour, kelly, seanna
Kelly...my darling keeper
As you might imagine by the size of her, Kelly is not a ‘yippy little thing’; what she wants she straight out demands in a full-throated, “Look lady…don’t make me break yer kneecaps! I don’t wanna hafta get ugly, but I WILL!!!” kinda way. Of course, she does try the whimpering, licking, “oooohhhh I love you sooooo much…now GIMME!” way first. Yesterday was no exception, but how VERY fast the tail quit wagging and the tongue quit lickin’ when I told her I was going to delay her walk in favour of a book sale run.
Monday morning was the beginning of the week long famous (in the city of Hamilton, Ontario) Library Book Sale wherein they sell of a few hundred copies of ‘excess’ books at between $2 and $15 a copy – the lesser amount for basic paperback and hardcovers, and the $5 to $15 range for “coffee table books”. Being on the ‘food bank poor’ end of the fiscal scale, I was in there like a dirty shirt early in the day, which meant that Kelly’s morning walk had to wait. I don’t think I have yet been forgiven for that despicable transgression. Or perhaps it was the greater doggie crime to follow.
On the way home I stopped at the pet store and bought doggie nail clippers. Well my GAWD! You’d think I was trying to shave her arse! It might even be easier, come to think of it. The screaming and the wailing, my GAWD!!! No kidding. I’m talking about just picking up THE PAWWW!!! Jackass dog. It’s taken me umpteen runs at her over the course of several hours spanning about a day and a half and I’ve got three nails clipped. Kelly will be relieved to know that I give up. Either she goes to a doggie groomer somewhere to clip them so her toes don’t turn when she stands, or she’ll have to let me file them down. Yeah. Good luck, huh? She might go for the filing because it’s a loving, sucky, pampering kind of thing. (I’ll feed her chicken while I’m doing it. She’ll do almost ANYthing for chicken.)
Does that all just sound like nonsense babbling to you? More worthless WordPress filler like so much else out there? Well let me tell you something seriously about that dog then. Kelly saved my arse when I was so depressed I could NOT even pretend to make up an excuse to get up off the couch and walk in the sun one more time. I did not, could not, care. Kelly came with a reason to move and go outside and pay attention to the needs of another living being. She didn’t make me care about myself, but that didn’t matter. She kept me from atrophying after my Seanna died.
Seanna walking in the wind, smiling
Seanna and I walked a windy summer’s day away passing the camera between us taking closeups of each other and all manner of things we thought beautiful and wonderful. I will never forget the curve of her mouth, the shape of her lash, the touch of her hair against my cheek and shoulder.
There is absolutely no more humanizing experience on earth than having to diligently and compassionately identify the needs of another living being who is unable to tell you verbally what they want and need, what they think and feel. I learned that from my daughter, Seanna, who had severe brain damage. Seanna made me so very much more human than I was before I met and raised her, and Kelly returned to me some of that feeling of humanness I lost when I buried Seanna. Kelly did that simply by being totally unguarded, accepting, and openly grateful that I was kind enough to meet her basic needs, including her needs for attention, affection, belonging, and a sense of security.
We should all be so loved and easy to love.
The sun is shining today, a shockingly delicious treat considering the endless gray of late. There is nothing bluer than a bright sky so long unseen. Criminy, it’s like the dawning of hope itself. (yes, it has been VERY bleak for a while)
And so…I rise. Before noon even. Also a rarity these days. When Seanna left she took all the fun out of our lives. She was the ringmaster, the clown, the lion tamer, and the entire high wire act. Every moment was either tragedy or ecstasy, but no one can deny that she lived her life dancing into the light…of oncoming trains and heaven both. Regardless, she was The Show.
And now…I rise, and wait for the show to begin, and grieve because the show is over, and wonder what the next act might be. Supposedly I’m the star of my own life story now, but I could never be so charming and horrifying and outrageous as the former star, though I’m tempted to try. There is no way to carry on without her. She was our lives. She and her sister, Indra. They were the center of it all. Without them an entirely new Show, new Life, must be designed. I was hoping Indra would come back into the center of her father’s life, but it seems not to be. A shame. A silly shame.
Forgive me for so seldom mentioning Indra. It is not that she was less important, because that’s ridiculously untrue, but she was important to me in ways different from her sister. An entirely different relationship that was so sadly not a success, but not for lack of trying. It just wasn’t meant to be.
I wish I could take on the spirit of Seanna and spend the rest of my life dancing into the light, but I’m more quiet and curious by nature. My own recklessness and rebellion is directed toward my art rather than my relationships. And so that is where I must begin. With my art. When I find out what that looks like in the physical absence of my Muse (Seanna), I will share it with you.
steph
