Worth Writing

My dog companion, Kelly, has cancer.  I found out on May 8th.  At first the vet hemmed and hawed a little about how much time she likely has left.  When he came to see her the other day he hemmed and hawed a lot more and came up with “3 to 4 months if it’s already started to spread, and perhaps half a year otherwise.”

However, she’s sick and throwing up now, unwilling to eat more than a few morsels of food by hand each day.  I settled her stomach with Gravol on Sunday, but she started being sick to her stomach again today.  The vet doesn’t know what her immediate problem is.  I don’t think it’s much of a mystery.  She’s dying.  We all do that in our own way in our own time.  There’s nothing I can do other than try to help her through the issues that arise during the process.  And love her.  Lover her a lot.

I’ve had to make the conscious decision not to withdraw.  A vain attempt to spare myself the grief of another beloved’s passing.  I could feel myself pulling away.  Not meaning to.  But it’s not just Kelly.  I’ve been desperately trying to push or drag myself away from the here and now.  Afraid of the stillness.  As though I might succumb to it and remain inert myself forevermore.  The absence of the many years-long chaos I stole so much energy from is unnerving.  Probably it was unhealthy energy, yes, but it kept me moving.  Now, there is an enormous void, the crater left by the dissolved chaos. 

How do I live?  I always chased one disruption after another.  The conditions now are thus that I’d have to work awfully hard just to come up with a problem to solve.

Yeah, you’re getting it now, aren’t you?  Nothing’s wrong.  Nothing’s wrong, nothing requires righting, and I’ve spent so many years of my life just coping that it’s now time to live and I don’t know how.  It doesn’t feel like Enough, this here and now.  I’m tired of struggling against it, though, so here I sit.  On an old bench on my front proch in the sun.  Gentle breeze, enough to cool the sweat on my skin.  The atmosphere is kind.  A generous day.  Nothing to hide from.  Nothing to avoid.  And scared of that nothingness.