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My dog companion, Kelly, has cancer. I found out on May 8th. At first the vet hemmed and hawed a little about how much time she likely has left. When he came to see her the other day he hemmed and hawed a lot more and came up with “3 to 4 months if it’s already started to spread, and perhaps half a year otherwise.”
However, she’s sick and throwing up now, unwilling to eat more than a few morsels of food by hand each day. I settled her stomach with Gravol on Sunday, but she started being sick to her stomach again today. The vet doesn’t know what her immediate problem is. I don’t think it’s much of a mystery. She’s dying. We all do that in our own way in our own time. There’s nothing I can do other than try to help her through the issues that arise during the process. And love her. Lover her a lot.
I’ve had to make the conscious decision not to withdraw. A vain attempt to spare myself the grief of another beloved’s passing. I could feel myself pulling away. Not meaning to. But it’s not just Kelly. I’ve been desperately trying to push or drag myself away from the here and now. Afraid of the stillness. As though I might succumb to it and remain inert myself forevermore. The absence of the many years-long chaos I stole so much energy from is unnerving. Probably it was unhealthy energy, yes, but it kept me moving. Now, there is an enormous void, the crater left by the dissolved chaos.
How do I live? I always chased one disruption after another. The conditions now are thus that I’d have to work awfully hard just to come up with a problem to solve.
Yeah, you’re getting it now, aren’t you? Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong, nothing requires righting, and I’ve spent so many years of my life just coping that it’s now time to live and I don’t know how. It doesn’t feel like Enough, this here and now. I’m tired of struggling against it, though, so here I sit. On an old bench on my front proch in the sun. Gentle breeze, enough to cool the sweat on my skin. The atmosphere is kind. A generous day. Nothing to hide from. Nothing to avoid. And scared of that nothingness.
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A mutual agreement: “Anybody but you!”
An agreement broken: “Maybe this time…”
“What is that?” hearing his laughter
She came to adore that sound
His wicked sense of humour intrigued
His humble sense of justice impressed
He took all blame for failures
He forgave himself out of understanding
He wanted little, knowing true Worth
She was enheartened, ready to agree
Then she met his wild children
She was heartbroken: “I’ll never survive!”
She survived anyway, learning to love
They joined lives, united their goals
Laughing and despairing together every day
Enduring much, they weathered all storms
One storm blew away their foundation
Standing in the rubble they floundered
Finally deciding, “Too late to quit!”
Clumsily seeking solace in each other
They began building their new foundation
Stephanie Hansen 2009
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I had fun with this 6 word story word prompt.
Her decision making skills were backwords.
She would let go too soon.
And then hang on too long.
Anticipation was a form of agony.
Leaving too early; staying too late.
Not wanting much, but expecting much.
Loving who couldn’t love her back.
She was defenceless against the defensive.
She forgave the unforgiveable too often.
But was angry about the impersonal.
On the outside wanting in.
Wanting out of what was inside.
Naive to much, but painfully aware.
Minute by intolerable minute, suffering days.
Ink in the pen awaiting words.
Too much to say to begin.
Waiting for purpose to reveal itself.
Waiting for that purpose fearfully excited.
Nothing was wrong, nothing was right.
She was waiting to stop waiting.
She was wanting to start wanting.
To choose indiscriminately would be disaster.
She messed up living too fast.
Homeless in fear of losing home.
Losing her mind fearing her loss.
Remembering life lived, wondering what happened.
All gone and never coming back.
Living and dying every single day.
Loving and losing every single minute.
How could she make a life?
She had to make a life.
No more crying, time to thrive.
No more excuses time to decide.
Regardless of fear, time to continue.
Stephanie Hansen, 2009
